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Six Tips on How to Survive Your Divorce From My Personal Experience
Tip 1 Don’t try and get over your partner in the arms of another person.
When my wife left me I was fortunate to be going to a church and took the time to see the pastor about the separation. My pastor told me that I should not enter into any relationship for at least two years. He told me that this was for a number of reasons.
I. It was best for my wife that I spend a number of years single so as to give her an opportunity to come back to me. Out of respect he advised that even though she was already in a new relationship that it always took one partner to stay single to give an opportunity for the estranged partner to return. He told me to pray for her to come back and wait at least two years for her to come back.
ii. It was best for me to have a couple of years being single not only to get a handle on my emotions but to give me time to heal. He said it was essential for me to deal with the issues that were wrong in my marriage and to draw closer to God before I entered into another relationship.
iii. It was best for any future partner that I had dealt with my inner demons before I started to go out with them. So many marriages are formed from desperation and loneliness in both the people that join rather than happy single people joining. The pastor told me that my future partner deserved a healed and whole partner and that could only be achieved if I took the time to work on myself. He pointed out that if I rushed into another relationship that it was not love for my future partner but selfishness and a lacking in me that had propelled it.
I took my pastor’s advice and during the next few years grew a lot closer to Jesus Christ in a lot of study and personal experience with Him. Now it’s fourteen years later and I have only had one other significant relationship in that time and am very close to God. I have now decided to remain single so I can serve God more fully in the future as a single man. I am very happy in my decision and in a very good state emotionally in that area of my life.
Tip 2 Try and remember the good times in your marriage rather then the bad.
You can cut yourself to pieces running over and over the bad things in your marriage in your mind. Thinking constantly on these things will destroy you and pull you into a bad depression that will take, in many cases, medication to get out of.
You had some good times in your marriage. You went to some romantic places and had some wonderful times together in each others arms. There were restaurants and memorable embraces and kisses and times between the sheets. It is not dirty to think on these good things and it is not wrong to remember these things.
You will smell aftershaves on other men that remind you of your former partner if you are a woman. Don’t dismiss the memory of the man you loved when this happens in the future, take the time to think about the good times when this makes you think about your partner.
You will hear a song on the radio that reminds you of your partner. Don’t turn the radio off, listen to the song and let the tears flow if they must. Your partner will always be a part of you. Don’t think a court decision and a piece of paper that signifies your divorce will stop the songs from playing and the memories from catching you off guard.
Let me tell you the memories will come for years and years. It is better that you switch from thinking about the bad times in these instances and think about the positive things. This will help you to know and will help you through the years to come.
Tip 3 Try not to speak badly too often about your former partner.
Speaking bad about your former partner does not often hurt him. Often the only person it is hurting is you as you dredge it up again. There is a time where we have to get things off our chest, then there is a time where we have to put the hurts away once and for all and talk about the future and the possibilities of new love and romances.
Sure, your partner hurt you. My partner put me in a psychiatric ward with a nervous breakdown after two weeks without sleep. This was done with many phone calls and some very clever witchcraft. This was a very sad thing and now I suffer from both Bipolar and Schizophrenia which both give me a lot of grief, yet my wife was only doing what she felt she needed to do and I have forgiven her for this.
Many of you have been hurt more then me. It is so hard not to speak badly and confess the things that your partner did to you, but you need to learn to speak of the good things he or she did too, and you need to learn the lessons that these bad things taught you or else you will find the same thing happening with future partners.
Remember you married a person that you once loved. You shared some good times together. Your partner might not be as strong as you and the last thing that they need is for the whole world to know how bad that they are. You knew them first hand and you know a lot of their faults that no one else gets to see in day to day life. Try and keep that close to your chest as best you can.
My wife had a spirit that she used to take me down. Some people might call it a spirit guide. In the process of what she did to me I learned quite a lot about this spirit called the Jezabel spirit. Armed with this knowledge my wife had done me a great favour when I encountered other females in my future with this same spirit helping them to try and destroy me and render me ineffective in ministry. I look back fondly at my wife’s assault on me now and appreciate her for the wisdom she gave me about the ways and practices of the Jezabel spirit.
You see people, I can speak of a very traumatic experience in my life that resulted in me having two mental illnesses and put a positive spin on it and make this wife of my youth look like a hero.
We all like a movie with a positive ending. Try and think of the bad things that happened to you and learn the lessons that you need to learn from them. Then as you figure out the lesson you learned, learn then to speak about how your former partner did you a favour in teaching you that. Make your bad ending of your marriage a positive ending, so much so that in the future you can speak fondly of your former partner and the lessons his bad behavior taught you.
Tip 4 Learn to forgive by walking in your partner’s shoes.
Forgiveness in a very touchy issue. People might simply stop reading now that I have brought it up. But bear with me.
A month after I was separated I was talking with my wife’s best friend and the friend was trying to convince me that I did not want my wife back. She was having a hard time convincing me so she told me some truth that I didn’t know. She told me that on five occasions that she knew of, my wife had slept with other men while I was with her. I was shocked and asked questions and she went into a lot of detail about each of the encounters. She told me all of this because she loved me and respected me and honestly wanted me to move on with my life and not to try and pursue my wife, her best friend anymore.
I got off the phone and wept. How could my wife do that?
Out of respect for my wife’s best friend who had told me, I never brought the subject up with my wife to betray her confidence in me, but I was hurt deeply inside as I knew some of the times my wife played around she had came home and made love to me also. The thought of that disgusted me and I felt like I had been really disrespected.
The only way I was able to forgive that was to come into knowledge of how my wife was feeling when she was doing it. It was obvious to me that I was simply not good enough for my wife. Somehow my wife needed constant affirmation that she was beautiful and attractive and worthy of love. She found this in the arms of other men who were only too happy to take her to bed. And who could blame these guys? My wife had rich olive skin, dark brown eyes and a nice body that most men would find attractive. She was a fun sort of girl and enjoyed herself in bed, a fine kisser and very seductive when she wanted to be.
I was heartbroken but how could I blame the guys? Most of them weren’t even told that she was married and simply thought they were scoring a night with a twenty year old girl who was keen to be with them.
And how could I blame Sharryn, my wife? If I was not enough for her, if I didn’t make her feel fulfilled as a women, a wife and a mother, how could I blame her for going other places to find excitement? And that’s the sad truth about many affairs that I had to come to grips with and perhaps you might have to come to grips with. Sometimes we simply are not good enough to keep our partners in only our bed.
Of course it wasn’t all my fault. I was doing my best as a husband but I simply was not living up to what she had married. Sharryn had a problem and it is that problem that I focused on in order to find the place in my heart so that I could forgive her. I had to see it in her shoes. I found out about her in books about sexual abuse victims of which my wife was one.
So take the time to try and understand why your partner did that bad things in your marriage. You need to understand why they did what they did so that you can forgive them. And you need to forgive them or else you will walk around really bitter and this will hurt you for many years to come.
Even whilst in agony on the cross, Jesus said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing.”
What a man hey?
Jesus was totally innocent. He was a man of love. And just like us he was hurt, beaten and mistreated. And yet in the midst of his agony and just before he died he asked God to forgive all the people who had put him on the cross and all the people that were laughing at him at the foot of the cross.
He forgave you for all your wrong doings on that day. That is the essence of the Christian faith and you can write to me for more information about that if you like.
So if Jesus forgave you on that cross, can’t you forgive your former partner?
Take the time and get to the bottom of why your partner did what they did. This will not only help you in your life in the future, but it will also help you become a better partner in the future.
Tip 5 Don’t fight with your partner though the divorce.
People die and everyone goes to a funeral and they say all these good things about the person and there are many tears that abound. There are many regrets when some people die suddenly as many loved ones didn’t get the chance to say things to the departed that they wanted to say.
Yet a marriage dies and so many people fight like two dogs in an illegal dog fight. The friends take sides and the fight gets really ugly. A fortune is spent in law courts and people say such terrible things about their partners in official documents.
My wife lied 19 times in her affidavit for the custody of my child. Some of the things that she said about me were very hurtful and I did not like judges, lawyers and people reading that affidavit with all those lies about me.
Yet this is the case many times in divorce courts. Many hurtful things are said on paper and are on record before strangers. It’s disgusting and even more disgusting if the parties are supposed to be born again Christians.
God spoke quite clearly in the prophet Malachi when He said, “I hate divorce.”
A better way is not to fight. You can only have a fight when both people are fighting. If one person refuses to fight then the other person does not get as much satisfaction. I prepared and affidavit that addressed all of the 19 lies and showed how they were not true and then a judge in my taxi cab as a customer told me that my wife would be possibly put in prison if that affidavit was presented in court.
I was struggling whether I should clear my name from the lies of my wife in my affidavit or change it and just accept the lies going down on record in the court when I had another passenger jump in my taxi. He spent 45 minutes asking me about all my life and giving me a few scripture verses that answered each situation that I talked about. He had me in tears and by the time he left my taxi I was really happy and I had all the answers I needed, I was not going to fight.
A minute after he left my cab and went into the airport I followed him to thank him and I looked everywhere in that airport. And believe me I searched everywhere and he had disappeared. To this day I know he was an angel sent to me with a message. I have since spoken to Jesus and he has told my in my spirit that indeed it was angel.
And the angel’s message?
Don’t fight with your partner!
Tip 6 Always hold a special place in your heart for your former partner.
Your prayer life, your Christian life and even if you are not a Christian, your life will be a whole lot better if you continue to keep good thoughts about your former partner, and keep a special place in your heart for them.
My wife is my hero, she was my first love, she made me very happy and she gave me a wonderful son that I am very proud of. My Sharryn was a champion and gave me many happy days and nights. Losing her sent me into a path toward God that has just got better and better over the years.
She is always in my prayers and I always pray for her marriage. Though she got dirty and stopped me seeing my son seven years ago, I still know she had her marriage and my son’s interests in mind when she made the decision. If a person is hurting and has had a bad upbringing and been hurt by her step father and her mother you have to cut them a bit of slack. I address my reasons why I stopped seeing my son in another article.
It’s best, if you have children to keep a little love in your heart for your former partner. Love always makes things easier. So you can’t bear to live with your partner anymore, that’s fine, but love them from a distance. Feel sorry for them if you must, but keep the love for them burning in a special hidden place in your heart. Pray for them and treat them as nice as you can. Perhaps your love for them will be like after sales service.
We all love a company to treat us nice after we have already bought their product. That sort of company has us going back to them time and time again. The way you treat your former partner through the divorce and years to come can have a great effect on them and even give them the courage to change.
In closing, let me pray for you.
Father in heaven,
I pray that this article has made sense to the reader. I pray that they realize that I did not write this for profit or for me to make any money of me to benefit in any way. Father I pray that they might read this and re-read this and take on board my 6 tips and apply them to their life. Father I ask that you tend to their hearts and that you give them good opportunities to purge their pain and talk about their hurt in constructive ways over the coming years. I ask that you bring healing to their lives, bring good friendships and much love into their life. I pray you lead them to the right books, the right films and the right sermons or talks that they need to hear. Let them heal and let them laugh and have them be able to speak about the hurt in the future and bring encouragement to other people’s lives.
If they do not know you as their God, I pray that you might speak into their life more and more though people they know already and people they might know in the future. I pray that you take them by the hand and bring forth a good destiny for all people that read this prayer.
In Jesus name I ask.
God bless you guys. Please write to me at my email address below if you have any questions.
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