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The 10 Step Plan For Ending Feuds and Fights and Re-Building Connection
We have all experienced conflicts that ended with disaster. But, have you ever had a conflict with a friend or co-worker that ended on a truly positive note? Maybe a life lesson was learned or you felt a renewed sense of commitment to each other. Sometimes the act of clearing the air can create dedication for starting over again with a clean slate. Typically though, before you can give your relationship this breath of fresh air, some very uncomfortable conversations need to take place.
Basically, there are two different kinds of conflicts: task conflicts and emotional conflicts. Task conflicts center on what to do or how to do it. These conflicts often act as catalysts, motivating and inviting us to explore our differences. When we set out to resolve our task conflicts by engaging in dialogue and brainstorming we are often able to figure out the best ways to achieve common goals or reach wise decisions.
Emotional conflicts – or personality clashes – are the result of psychological dynamics that operate underneath the surface. These are the conflicts that occur when one or both parties to a conflict feel trivialized or de-valued. Often, task and emotional conflicts will occur together or a task conflict can become misinterpreted and inflamed, creating suspicion, competition, and emotional conflict.
The good news is that you can resolve even the nastiest of conflicts if both of you are willing to come to the table and remain committed to rebuilding the relationship. Here is my 10-Step plan for ending feuds and building connections
1. Prepare. Make some notes about the situation and your feelings. Write about where you are, where you want to be, and how you might get there. Consider the best, worst, and probable outcome to your dispute. Does the person on the other side know that you are in conflict? Does s/he know that something is bothering you? Are you willing to risk letting the relationship go? If not, you may not want to start the process that follows. You cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube and you cannot take back your words once you have shared them with someone else.
2. Call a truce. Be willing to come to the table and stay there. The other side will come if your message is “I truly want to find a solution that works for both of us.” If you cannot carry the message, find someone who can intervene on your behalf and get you both to the table.
3. Set the stage. Sit down at a time when you are both clear headed and able to give this important conversation the time and energy it deserves.
4. Speak from the heart. Do not point fingers of blame. Instead focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. This is collaboration.
5. Listen, listen, listen. Listen as if you are an outside observer with no prior knowledge of the situation. Twenty years in the mediation business has taught me that there are at least two sides to every story. You may be very surprised when you hear the rest of the story.
6. Give yourselves time to think, process the information, and cool down.
7. Define the emotions. Under almost every human conflict, be it two kids in the schoolyard or two nations at war, someone feels dismissed, discounted, disenfranchised, or disrespected. These are the emotions that fuel the feud. Sometimes, just defining that emotion and realizing that both of us feel the same way is enough to resolve our dispute.
8. Be willing to apologize. The closer the relationship the more likely you are to have stepped on each other’s toes. If you cannot bring yourself to apologize for anything specific at least apologize for the distress that the other side has been living with and anything s/he believes you did to contribute to it.
9. Don’t leave conflicts unresolved. An agreement to disagree is resolution. Leaving the conflict open sets you up for future fights.
10. If all else fails, hire a professional to help you. Often an outside opinion sheds light on your blind spots and helps reach agreement. Consider bringing in a mediator when the relationship is important.
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