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Daily Requirements for Coping With the Death of a Loved One

“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is your own self-transformation.”

Lao Tzu

Whenever I speak publicly about grief, I often start with an old Chinese proverb, one of my favorites: “You can’t stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can stop them from building nests in your hair.” There is much wisdom in these words. Grief consumes us all, yet we can learn to adapt to the enormous changes it brings.

Adjusting to the physical absence of our loved one depends primarily on what we choose to say to ourselves, and ultimately on what we consistently do. There are many responses that have proven helpful in adapting to a major loss, depending on many individual factors. Here are five that have proven themselves in many ways over the years.

1. Self-expression. Regardless of what some well-meaning people have written, regularly releasing what’s inside is healthy, both physically and emotionally. That means finding those you trust and sharing what’s going on inside that day. Refuse to be a prisoner of your thoughts and the suffering that often comes with them. Self-expression also involves talking to your Higher Power, as many do, or even to a loved one in spirit. Bottom Line: Release the normal emotional build-up that affects every cell in your body. Write, draw or paint to further allow the release of what is within.

2. Balance grief with time limits. Probably the most common misunderstanding about the grieving process is that one should always focus on their grief. Because your body listens intently to every thought you generate, constantly focusing on the stress of grief without a time limit guarantees an eventual immune system deficiency. As a result, health deterioration will result. Colds, flu, headaches, stomach upsets, etc. are common when grieving. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break and finding a way to relax. Do what gives you temporary relief from sadness so your body can recharge. For at least 20 minutes a day, vow to seek a peaceful and reflective frame of mind.

3. Love. Without giving and receiving love, you increase unnecessary suffering every day and lose the most powerful coping response to loss. Loving even when you grieve will strengthen your inner life forever. It all starts with loving yourself. You are a unique person made in the image of God. Respecting yourself and everything you come into contact with is essential to good love. We all need to be loved, both the grieving and the caregiver. Realize how you can develop new ways to show acceptance and appreciation to others.

Next, focus on how you could express love to a person who is no longer physically present with you. American playwright Thornton Wilder wrote: “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love… the only survival, the only meaning.” Learn all you can about how to love in separation as you reconnect with your deceased loved one. Also, don’t forget to show love to those who help you on your difficult journey. Ask yourself, “What do they need?”

4. Self-esteem. You are the most important resource you have to achieve the goal of adjusting to your great loss. Take care of your physical needs as well as your emotional ones. All too often, those who are grieving tend to increase their consumption of caffeine, alcohol, and unhealthy foods, which have a direct effect on brain function. The need to protect one’s physical self, especially brain maintenance, will reduce physical pain and provide energy to adapt to any new circumstances that must be faced. Don’t forget to drink enough spring water every day to prevent unrecognized chronic dehydration. Start your day by drinking 8 oz. A handful of plenty of protein in all three meals will slowly raise blood sugar and energy. An omega-3 supplement will help how you feel physically. Try to stay away from sugar and high fructose corn syrup, which negatively affect the brain.

5. Engagement. Daily interactions with trusted others will create much-needed hope for the future. The grieving often isolate themselves and thus prolong the intense suffering. Feeling connected is a powerful force for coping. Love in separation, prayer and being with caring people ensures connection and movement towards inner peace. Decide what organizations or groups you can join, as well as new interests you can develop to expand your spectrum of connections. Then here’s the key: schedule connections every day until you learn to adjust to your loved one’s physical absence.

Sadness is seductive and can cause us to turn away from the path of coping with change. Never forget, start each day determined to make it through the next 24 hours. Create an affirmation to use to quietly strengthen your inner life. Then live the day as your loved one would encourage you to.

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