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The Guiltless Affair
I sometimes get a strange, morbid pleasure from talking to my husband about cheating. matters. Scandals. I can’t help but bring it up as I casually scan his eyes for a glimmer of guilt, looking for a certain blush around his collar, trying to catch a whiff of a woman’s perfume as he leans in to hug me, promising never to . never leave me for someone else
Despite my continued vigilance, I have yet to find any clues that my husband has mixed up. In the deepest corners of his closet are only lint. The messages on his voicemail at work are boring and mundane. The credit card statement contains no mysterious charges, except to reveal that Hubs eats a lot more barbecue for lunch than he admits. Okay, okay, I may be snooping—but only after I watched an episode of Cheaters and got teary-eyed when Two-Toned Tammy screamed, “We’re having a baby together! We have a baby together! How could you do that? this for me!” at her scheming boyfriend of six years after she caught him in the Popeye’s parking lot with her roommate/sister/best friend.
I’m not alone in my snooping either. Hubs sometimes likes to show up in the middle of the day, unannounced, just to “see what I’m up to”. When I went out of town with the kids a few months ago, I came home to find he had gone through my entire bathroom cabinet looking for god knows what. He also admitted to googling my ex-boyfriend. I find such things flattering. I told Hubs I never wanted a boyfriend. But I admitted that I would really like an admirer.
My admirer would be quite handsome, enough to give my husband pause, but he would also be an advocate of courtly love and have a “look-but-never-touch-even-when-you” re-both-a-little- drunk-and-nobody-around” kind of sensibility.
Instead, my admirer was content to send me flowers (Casablanca lilies) and boxes of candy (Godiva) and books of poems (Neruda) with notes that said things like, “When I saw you carpooling with the sun this morning, your hair , I realized that I have never seen anyone or anything more beautiful.” Or “You fold a fitted sheet with a grace and perfection that others can only dream of. Thank you for being you.” Or even “You’re the hottest soccer mom this side of the Mississippi. Ah-OOO-gah!” I’m not being specific. It’s the thought that counts.
My husband might not like all the attention my admirer would give me, but he would have to tolerate it because he has a lot of admirers of his own. The nature of his work is such that people keep coming up to him and telling him how great he is. He likes to tell me these stories to which I counter with something like, “The same thing happened to me today. I was at the supermarket and this complete stranger came up and said, ‘I love your ability to save at least 25% off your grocery bill every time you’re shopping!’” Hubs gives a generally derisive snort while I seethe silently. But my admirer would stop such behavior.
“Hubs,” he said, taking my husband’s hand and shaking it heartily, “I hope you know you are a very lucky man.” Hubs would look a little unsure as he noticed my admirer’s firm handshake and kind eyes. That night, Hubs showed up with a large bouquet of his own and an offer of dinner and dancing. Or dinner and drinks, which is more our style.
“Admirer,” I’d say when he called me on the phone for the fifth time in a week, just to hear the charming softness in my voice, “I really can’t take your gifts anymore. You’ve been just amazing, but between you and me, I think Hubs is getting a little jealous .”
“Lucinda,” he whispered with just the right mixture of pity and compassion, “I’ll be content to admire you from afar if it makes your life easier. But I’ve dedicated my life to you—and the proof of that will be impossible for either of you to ignore.” Unfortunately we both hung up the phone.
After weeks of not hearing from my admirer, my husband quietly brought me a copy of the Living column in the newspaper. “Local artist receives international recognition for ‘Lucinda’ series,” the headline would read. Pictured next to his oil painting titled “Lucinda with the Sun in Her Hair” will be my admirer, his burning, questioning eyes burning through newsprint.
Shortly thereafter, based on an anonymous submission, I was named Parent Magazine’s Mother of the Year. Hubs would try to pretend he had posted, but the editor’s admission that my “ability to artfully manage the lives of my husband and three children while radiating an amazing inner peace and stunning the locals with my otherworldly beauty” would set me apart from the other participants would tell me who he was actually responsible for my resulting photo shoot and free trip to New York.
By the end of the year, “Lucinda (Love of My Life)” would top the Adult Contemporary chart.
I would join the super exclusive ranks of world famous muses. Sometimes Vogue or Vanity Fair did short articles about me, despite my wish to remain anonymous. The only photos they could provide would be of me darting between my minivan and my front door, balancing a baby and a bag of soccer balls with one arm and holding my oversized sunglasses and Pucci with the other. face covered with a scarf. Yet readers would notice a grace in my scowl, a hurried spring in my step. Admirers from all parts of the world will soon appear at my door.
So do you see what the affair really is other than some rushed bonking and a lot of post-coital guilt? Admirer is really the way to go. If you know of any good candidates, I’d be happy to assess their qualifications…
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