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Divorced But Not Over It?
Shrink About This
The divorce may be final, but are you still consumed by residual pain and anger? Here are ten tips to help you process your injury and move on with your life.
1. PHYSICAL DAMAGE
Prolonged anxiety, stress, or agony of any kind hurts you physically, not just emotionally. Get on the track and run away from injury, lift weights and scream, dance until you sweat. Eat right and drink water, not booze. Give your body a rest. Self-destruction will not restore a relationship. If you’re losing it or feeling suicidal, ask your doctor about anti-depressants for a few months.
2. THINK IN TERMS OF SUCCESS
If you managed to have a relationship, any relationship, even if it ended badly, at least you knew passion, partnership and maybe parenthood. All of this can include pain. Would you rather never have feelings for anyone?
3. SAVE THE CHILDREN
Are you still trying to be a good parent, but your ex would rather wipe you out? This situation can push the buttons of desperate panic. Remember the story of Solomon and the two mothers. Let the child live in peace and be involved as much as you can. When a child is about ten years old, they see the truth. Just give consistent, unconditional love and time will take care of the rest. Never make the mistake of yelling at your children out of frustration with your partner or making the children the go-between.
4. HOT RAGE
Hot anger is, well, hot and not so different from passion. If you are still involved in someone else’s life and what they say or do, you must still care. If a stranger said or did similar things, would it bother you? Probably not. Admit that you still care and get professional help to process the leftover love masquerading as hate.
5. BLIND TO THE NEXT
While you’re squatting in the corner, your perfect match can be watching you. If you’re still all wrapped up in your old dead relationship, you won’t notice. Double loss.
6. GET OUT OF TOWN
Remove yourself from the triggers that trigger the feelings again. Take a trip to Rome or Baltimore, anywhere that’s new and different to help put your relationship crisis into perspective. It’s just a relationship. Although it may hurt right now, it is not life-threatening HIV or cancer. You will heal.
7. NUMBERS REALITY
It’s true that of all marriages in America, 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and 67% of second and 74% of third marriages also end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. The distribution listed at http://www.divorcerate.org/ is as follows:
Age at marriage for those divorcing in America
Age Women Men
Under 20 years 27.6% 11.7%
20 to 24 years 36.6% 38.8%
25 to 29 years 16.4% 22.3%
30 to 34 years 8.5% 11.6%
35 to 39 years 5.1% 6.5%
In this time of stress and easy divorce, it is much more difficult to keep relationships together, especially if you were too young.
8. ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
No matter how terrible your relationship may be right now, you made a long series of decisions that brought you to this place. Take responsibility for your fifty percent of all decisions and also problems. The blame game is immature and fruitless. Learn from your mistakes and try harder next time by choosing a compatible partner or learn to be a better partner.
9. LONG TERM
If you share a child, you will also share grandchildren and great-grandchildren at weddings, graduations and birthdays. Hostility to the past will affect the lives of your future descendants as long as you live or hold grudges. Sweet innocents will love Grandma and Grandpa and your vitriol at their parties will poison them. It’s not fair to little kids. If you stay in the same city, your friends and co-workers will have to compensate for your messed up relationship and inability to mend hurt feelings. Superiors may interpret this as an inadequacy to solve other problems and pass you on to the next promotion. Like the rings of a stone in a pond, the bad vibes will spread all around you.
10. TIME IS SHORT
Your life is ticking. Wouldn’t you rather smile, sail, hike, discover new wonders of science or gardening than go to war?
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