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How to Write a Paper in One Night
Being in college is a chore. It takes a lot of work, carefully planned over the course of a week, month or quarter to make sure everything happens with the full attention it deserves….are you laughing? No one puts in the time “necessary” to properly complete their college work. No, it’s more of a rush at the end every week or two to finish a 10 page paper or learn 200 years of ancient Roman history overnight. You all do it, I did it. It’s probably a better training skill than all the random stuff you “learn” because honestly, in real life, you think you’ll have time to sit down and plan everything that comes up in your life ahead of time. Yeah…I didn’t think so.
Anyway, for those of you just entering college from the snoring, boredom-inducing ease of high school, you’re probably incredibly unprepared for the sheer amount of work you’ll have to do at the last second. I’m not saying it’s easy just because you procrastinate. No, it’s still hard. You really should take the time to do your job right. You just won’t, so you need to learn how to procrastinate. It is a fine art in which I feel like I have become something like Renoir.
First, make sure you have all your books and notes. If you don’t go to class, which is very likely for procrastinators like this, make sure you get them from a classmate. Also, double check to make sure your professor doesn’t have a website. They’ll usually tell you, but more than once I’ve found class notes sitting in an archive online, especially now that 90% of them put everything they teach you into PowerPoint presentations and then just read it to you every hour. day (yeah, lazy). It’s usually just 30 seconds out of their day to put things online, and then when they get twenty plus emails a week asking for lecture notes, all they have to do is refer you to the website. Well, some are a little more stupid that their students don’t even bother to come to class and openly offer said notes. However for sick students and anyone else they put them online to save paper and just a few quick google searches or an email to a sick student and you have your notes. Or…just ask a classmate. But then you’re relying on them actually paying attention.
You should also have your books. If you’ve never bothered to buy them because you’d just take notes or go to sparknotes, then you better go buy them because the BS to get through the paper is going to require at least some resources. You can’t magically find out information just by being around smarter people. School would be so much easier if that were the case.
So sit back and start reading. Yes, you will do a lot of reading the night before your paper is due. But it’s better than doing all the assigned reading because now you’re looking for specific information. Instead of general learning (which would just stick and overwhelm your brain later) you do targeted research. For the eighth time and none of the annoying stuff to remember. You should at least have your theme. If not, start browsing the message boards and grab one from someone smarter than you. But never take away their work. The last thing you need is to be kicked out of school for plagiarism. It’s lazy and embarrassing. Steal concepts but never words. And if you steal a concept from half their work, quote them. Your university will not tolerate cheating. You’ll be so busy and blacklisted that you might as well go ask for a Jack in the Box and trust me you don’t want to work in fast food.
You can’t delay now. You’ve been doing this for three weeks, so I’m sorry (I know it hurts), but in terms of actual physical writing time, you’ll need at least three hours to write your paper, which doesn’t speak to the writing of it. And his writing involves finding quotes and that ever-so-annoying thinking. Sit down, grab an energy drink and a bag of chips, close the door and put on your headphones. No TV and put the phone on the charger. Now open your word processor and start typing.
You probably think you have writer’s block. But writer’s block has nothing to do with having absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. You’re stuck with the other one right now, so keep reading about your topic and find the pieces to put together.
The thing that most people don’t realize is that the standard writing process doesn’t apply to you. You don’t design or come up with ideas. This is what you should have done two weeks ago. No, you are writing your work, so make sure you have your idea and start writing and keep writing until you create some work.
I usually start as broad as possible and start talking about something. If I’m writing about the Hero Quest of Pip in Great Expectations, I’ll start by talking about Greek mythology and the origins of the classic hero. I will gradually talk about the modern hero, then the changes made in the industrial age and how Dickens rewrote the archetypes for his comedy, and finally I will talk about Pip. You should now have a general idea of what you want to say. It might be general, but you’ll make it clear in the next few paragraphs and then go back and rewrite the first paragraph.
The first paragraph is almost always garbage. Especially with this method, because after reading 30 of these beautiful essays, your tired, pissed-off professor will put a big red X at the last minute on everything unrelated to your work, and those first few catchphrases aren’t related at all.
But now you can start stealing from the text. Capture the quote and make a point. Grab another quote and make another point. If your thesis ends up being something incredibly broad and pointless like “Pip’s quest from anonymity and worthlessness to a position of wealth and power in London echoes classic heroic quests but works through a Dickensian view of industrial England”, you’re still fine. It sounds intelligent and promises a lot. Now just find specific quotes and create a story. Start at the beginning of his change, talk about his childhood, then go to when he changes, then compare to the hero’s old tasks, then show how they differ.
Almost any paper, if written quickly, can be boiled down to something simple and incredibly easy to write, the compare and contrast paper. You choose a prominent theme from the book you just “read”. Find a resource that mirrors or better yet overlaps this topic and compare them. But don’t just list what makes them different. That’s high school stuff. You’ll want to write exactly how an outside source will change what you think about your book. It sounds hard, but think about it. You have high expectations. It has a main character who goes on a quest of sorts. You now have a classic archetype with hundreds of resources to draw from. You take the basic outline of that archetype and apply it to Pip’s quest and how it fits him and when it doesn’t. Now you finish your post by describing why it sometimes doesn’t work for him. Which brings you back to the Dickensian view section. You’ve pretty much just written an article that says Pip’s Quest is classic but different because Dickens was writing about a different time in human history. Incredibly simple; you won’t tell anyone anything new, but three things will guarantee a good grade.
1. If you write well at all. You have to be a halfway decent writer, which if you’re in college I assume you are.
2. Professors love external references. It shows initiative and research and makes it seem like you went the extra mile (which you didn’t). I wrote papers overnight without drafts and without ever reading them and got reminders that I had to work on it for hours. Not quite.
3. Confidence in your claims. Say everything with complete confidence and back it up with a quote. Do this enough, and even if you’re wrong, it’ll seem like you’ve made a decent point that will earn you brownie points.
Paper writing is a whirlwind task, but it’s also a scalable task that can be done incredibly quickly and easily if you know how. In my second to last quarter in college, I wrote three papers in two days; two of them were 10 pages and one 25 pages and scored 3.8 and two 3.7. Being incredibly lazy is a matter of self-confidence and above all, unmitigated fearlessness.
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