How Often Should My 2 Year Old Brush His Teeth ToothbrushRush

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Do you feel like you brush your teeth too often? Are your days distorted and falling apart around beginnings and endings as you face down your grimace and clean those helicopters? Mine does. Every time I cleanse (twice a day, religiously, and I don’t mean on my knees), it looks like I just did it. The time between cleanings seems to go much faster than the time DURING cleaning which seems to take forever. Alien forces could be at work: Years ago in Roswell, New Mexico, a UFO, still denied by the government, actually contained visitors from outer space who befriended a kind old dentist who convinced them to spend their missing time working to promote good oral hygiene at humanity – as a gesture of goodwill.

Or maybe brushing feels weird because I’m using a timer. Not by obsession, but by the program built into my Whirly 2000 Spin Clean brush. I call it the Timenatrix! It beeps every 30 seconds to remind me to change “quadrants”. Where are my wisdom teeth when I need them? A two minute cleaning seems to take half an hour. Since the machine is doing the work, my mind is looking for something else. Maybe it’s the whirring of the Whirly transmitted through my jaw to my brain that induces an altered state of consciousness. Maybe this is how “they” will communicate with us when we are ready?

I love the splatter pattern on the mirror. I can’t figure out why my side has him but my wife doesn’t.

I look around the room for the scorpions, those sci-fi bugs with special effects that sent a nuke to my instep. You can’t be too careful!

I can picture that dentist played by Laurence Olivier torturing Dustin Hoffman in MARATHON MAN asking, “Is it safe?”

But many people brush by hand. And they might need their own equivalent of Timenatrix while they fight cavities, fight tartar, remove plaque, freshen breath, and whiten. Since I have so much time cleaning, I’ve come up with some helpful tips, again for the betterment of humanity. We really don’t want that enthusiastic salesman with bad breath standing too close, ever again in our lives.

Try to stand on one leg as long as possible. Then the other one. Upper teeth on the left leg, lower on the right.

Try the melody. Since you will forget most of the words, do the part you know. Sweet Home Alabama up top, Smooth (come on – Rob Thomas and Santana played ROK every five minutes) down. Keep your mouth closed around the brush or

Admire the splash patterns on the mirror.

Don’t even make me floss!

If you floss incorrectly, you will remove enamel from your teeth and turn the floss into a SAW. It is – ALWAYS – SOMETHING!

I recently had two teeth pulled. Why? Loss of bone in the jaw! Why? Bacteria. DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS: The swirl thing, the floss, the quarterly dentist visits. Prayer. Incense. Votive candles. I was ready to decline until I was warned that it might get into my sinuses… and turn me into a bird’s-foot headache.

I think about the Survivor players: how can they stand so close after so long without a toothbrush? Hard to believe anyone could be face to face in the land of what must be really stinky boar breath.

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