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How to Cope with Sudden Death
Are you completely devastated by the unexpected death of a loved one? Frozen in time? numb? Don’t know where to turn? All this and much more happens every day and can only be described in one word: Normal. But whether it’s normal or not, its effect is chilling, something that no one who has never experienced it can understand.
I did the trip with my wife so I speak from a bit of experience. However, I don’t pretend to know what anyone else might be feeling. Every grief is different because every relationship is unique.
In my case, my wife and I found our four-month-old daughter dead in her crib. I put her mouth to mouth and my wife called the paramedics who rushed her to the hospital. All to no avail.
So what can you do? Or what could you do to help someone else dealing with the sudden death of a loved one?
1. Do what comes naturally. It was a cry for us when we walked home, which was a long way from the hospital emergency room. We declined the ride because we needed to be alone. Expressing what you have inside is critical. In this case, we were lucky to be able to cry.
2. Look for the privacy you need. We were in an unfamiliar city when we moved temporarily at the beginning of the summer. In some strange way, our privacy was on the sidewalk, the two of us, with all the humming traffic and rushing people passing by. They had no idea what was going on in our hearts and minds. You may need to be away from everyone or just with one special person.
3. Be with those you trust the most and allow you to be who you are in that moment without instructions. It will help you tremendously to have at least one person to channel everything you feel about. Be sure to talk about your anger, which is not unusual. You may need to hug someone or hold on to them as if they are your only hope.
4. If the primary mourner is alone when they receive the message and you also know what happened, go to that person immediately. If he wants to be alone, you will be told. Your presence alone is more likely to be a thread of safety for that person.
5. Find out all you can about how the death occurred. It helps you understand and process the events leading up to death. This may mean that you or someone close to you will need to contact a doctor or nurse or anyone else who was there.
6. If possible, inspect the body. If there is facial disfigurement, have your loved one cover their face and at least look at their hands or arms. You may have to be alone with the body. Ask for that time and tell others to let you do and say what you feel. If you are providing support to someone, you may want to ask them if they would like to be with their loved one in this way, especially if there is to be a closed casket.
7. You may have to put your grief on hold if you are the only person expected to make all the arrangements for the services and funeral. The same may apply if you are responsible for children who were very close to the deceased. And it’s okay to do so.
8. On the other hand, your shock and disbelief at this tragic event may last longer than normally expected. Again, stay close to those you trust. Then you may need to ask others to help you with the arrangements and legal matters if you are not sure you can handle them at this point. This is normal and completely acceptable.
9. Because it was a sudden death, there was no time to say goodbye. However, you can still do it when you’re ready. Find a quiet place in your home or another special place that is private. Place a photo of your loved one in the chair across from you and say what’s on your mind. Many people found comfort and solace in this farewell.
To summarize, because every bereavement is unique, the response to sudden death is unpredictable. Be especially willing to rely on others for help, and expect that the usual reactions to the death of a loved one will be prolonged and last longer.
Don’t keep your pain and sadness inside during this process. Continue to release these feelings and talk to those who recognize your long-term need for good listeners. And I emphasize long-term. Be sure to deal with the guilt and anger and don’t let it build up and cause you to be stuck in your grief.
When your grief seems to persist and you feel like you’re not making any progress, try joining a support group. There are also many therapists who deal with sudden deaths in their practices who can help you regain your balance. Both of these remedies are proven aids for those dealing with sudden deaths. Most importantly, be open to finding new ways to see the world, the horrific death of your loved one, and find what others have done to ease the pain.
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