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Do Working Women Make Lousy Wives?
The recent controversy recently posted on Forbes.com between Michael Nor, editor, and his associate Elizabeth Corcoran about whether working women make lousy wives is the same controversy that has been fought over in the past over working women versus moms. 30 years. People dramatically defend their positions based on their own personal point of view, regardless of the statistics that support their side or the opposing side.
Let’s look at the so-called facts according to Michael Nor’s article:
If you marry a working woman:
o Working women are more likely to divorce and less likely to have children
o If they have children, statistics show that they are more likely to be unhappy
But let’s also look at the facts:
o They still carry out most of the child-rearing duties
o The average woman does 7-9 loads of laundry a week and transfers most of the housework and still works the same average as working fathers at 7 hours 50 minutes.
o These numbers change when a couple has young children.
On the other hand:
o Unemployed women are not as happy, according to surveys
o They don’t have as much in common with their husbands as the ladies in the office
o Working women are not controlled by their husbands because they have more freedom if they earn their own money.
Let’s face it! We’ve heard it all before and we all have an opinion based on our own experience. What I’ve learned through coaching and talking to men and women on this topic is that we are all painfully aware that we basically live in a different age and time than any of us grew up with. Back in the good old days, most of us would go home after school to mom, who would give us snacks and then we would kiss her goodbye until dinner, when she would serve us home-cooked meals. If and when we did homework, it wasn’t until high school that we really had to study at home, and we could turn on the Brady Bunch or Gomer Pile to wind down after an afternoon at the neighborhood pool or playing Simon Says. We were worried if we wouldn’t be selected for the football team and if a neighbor from the neighborhood would sit next to us on the bus.
Fast forward 30 years and our teenagers are dodging bullets in our schools. Children learn to make explosives from the internet and as parents we are very afraid of our child going off our site for 5 minutes lest our child be molested or kidnapped. Moms work the same crazy hours as their husbands or ex-husbands, and the kids have to fend for themselves spending hours and hours with their best friends, TV, and video games. Conversely, they also start to travel more, have more luxury and have more conveniences than we did as children.
What is the answer to this question to work or not to work outside the home? We want our children to excel in school, so we work to provide them with an excellent education. We want them to be able to see the world and travel, so we work to give them opportunities that we never had. Both moms and dads are under pressure to compete for office promotions or build their personal incomes or empires. Our world is globally competitive and we are no longer just competing with people in our own community, but now we are competing with everyone else around the world.
As a result, we have added enormous pressure and stress to our lives. We burn out more often and our families suffer. Divorces end because the stress is gone, and if we don’t personally take control of our own lives, we can all end up as statistics.
The bottom line is this: YOU CAN CHOOSE YOURSELF! We all make personal choices depending on what is important or what we value at any given moment in our lives. If the children are young and we feel they will be better served by saving for their future by working for their college tuition, that is a personal choice the couple must make. If the children are in high school and need someone to watch them more closely, the couple may choose to have one parent at home during this time of their lives.
This is what I learned: We all do the best we can with the resources we have at the time. Are we all making the best decisions? No, not necessarily, so here are some tips that can help the process along.
1. Put marriage first. Couples will only stay strong as a unit if they can connect often and discuss their ups and downs. If a couple sets aside 10 minutes a day to “dialogue” with each other about their feelings and events, the marriage has a better chance of remaining a priority. Just like a car, if you don’t do regular maintenance, the car will die. Marriage is the same, without regular focused time dedicated to the relationship the marriage will die and couples will individually turn to outside sources for support. Do things like write emails during the day, have regular coffee when you call each other on the phone, or meet in the evening in a special environment that you set up to have a dialogue with each other. Practice using only encouraging words with each other and stop before using words like “always or never.” These destructive words hurt and do not heal or support. Focus on supporting your partner first and foremost.
2. Focus on family next. When you got married and had children, you chose a life and a lifestyle. Your family is constantly going through the seasons. Having young children is the most challenging time of all. Discuss the children’s needs and what will work best for them and plan accordingly. Children need to feel safe, so set up family time each week, such as Friday night being movie night or Saturday being work or play time. Make it a game and decide together how the family will spend their family fun time each week. We are lucky in Orlando that there are so many things for families to do, such as theme parks, beaches and resorts nearby. Do something special to make events like the first lost tooth memorable. Create special holidays and traditions that are unique to your family. And try to eat together at least once a day for breakfast, lunch or dinner.
3. Realize that all of our choices have positive benefits, but they also have downsides. You will have to make sacrifices along the way. Discuss them fully by making a list of pros and cons before making a major life decision, such as hiring a nanny or using daycare? Should I go part time and not get any benefits at work so that I have more time at home? What is more important at this point in our lives, having a beautiful wardrobe or going on a nice vacation? These should all be joint decisions. And always have something to look forward to so you don’t feel like you’ll never get airtime.
1. Thank and recognize your wife for what she does right! Tell her you appreciate her preparing the meal, even if she put it together at the last minute.
2. Realize that you are NOT married to June Cleaver and that a messy house is a sacrifice you may have to make if you both work. Realize that you are now a modern man, and modern men change messy diapers, clean toilets, and occasionally do laundry.
3. Only have eyes for your wife and tell her how beautiful she is and how blessed you are to have found her!
4. Make time for yourself and take care of yourself by exercising regularly and meeting your friends for lunch. Your career won’t disappear, and statistics show you’ll be more productive if you take time off every week to refuel.
5. Be a good partner by loving and respecting your family and their differences.
1. Thank and appreciate your husband for working hard to support your family. Even if you do this too, understand the toll it takes on him at work and appreciate the time he spends taking care of his family.
2. Praise him for every thing he does around the house to help you. Yes, if you are a typical family, you probably do more, but you can encourage him more by being nice than by arguing and cursing.
3. Treat him to a special dinner every now and then and arrange a fun date where you get all dressed up and make him look great! Call it old fashioned, but guys love it when their women look pretty, so put on some makeup, wear some heels now and then, and take care of your man!
4. Get support if you need it from friends, co-workers, counselors or experts in the areas you need help with.
5. Take care of yourself by taking great care of your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional sides.
We are all in a crazy time in this world. We have stress with money, war or children. Realize that you are in a SEASON of life right now and it will get better eventually. Hang in there and know that the weekend is coming and you can take a few hours off on the weekend to recharge and do it all over again on Monday.
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