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Should you have Sex with An Ex?
You’re sitting there alone on a Saturday night eating stale Doritos and watching old reruns of Seinfeld you’ve seen seven times already. It wouldn’t be so bad except you have an itch, a sex itch that needs scratching.
You start flipping through the Rolodex in your brain and realize there are no real prospects on the horizon other than that slightly creepy person in accounting who is flirting with you. Feelings of the lost Bridget Jones begin to seep into your every pore. Panic sets in.
Your mind goes back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start obsessing over their soft, warm body against yours in your nice cozy bed.
You pick up the phone without thinking. They answer. You try to make some small talk, but it’s no use. You ask them to come over for a drink. You both know that’s code for, “Let’s have sex at least three times tonite.”
Your legs are torn with twitches and they finally arrive. Little or no thought is given to consequences in a frenzy that rips off clothes. Your itch is about to be scratched…hopefully they’ll be sleeping as an added bonus.
Sex with ex. A good idea to keep your sex juices flowing during transition, or a bad mistake that will keep you in a mess for a long time. Since every breakup is different, doing some analysis can save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain.
First, know that you’re not some kind of crazy person for wanting to have sex with the exact same person you spent days (maybe weeks) getting completely bent out of shape with after the breakup. Sex can comfortably quell I’m-a-big-fat-loser anxiety, pain, and panic in the short term. It is convenient and semi-reliable.
Likewise, you’re in an established relationship, so all the preamble of getting to know each other and the weirdness of seeing each other naked doesn’t exist. Your ex is (hopefully) free of any STDs. You have also been through a lot together and only they can understand you on some level.
Now let’s look at the other side of this equation. Never lie to yourself. As much as you want to believe that sex is just sex and nothing more, the act of having sex is a ticking time bomb of many emotions waiting to explode.
To begin, calculate the time that has passed since your breakup. The fresher the breakup, the stronger your favorable and angry emotions will be towards this person. Conversely, the longer your relationship has been over, the greater the chance that these dormant emotions will come back to life.
Be clear in this confused moment, the need for sex can be a clever cover for the need to emotionally reconnect with another human being.
If the sex is good (ie a deep emotional connection), you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Because of these confused emotions, it’s easy to start playing the “come here/go away” game and it can take much longer than necessary to move on.
The next is to be okay with the harsh reality of your situation. Are you willing to resume safe sex practices before you have sex? Or you’re in denial that your partner isn’t digging behind your back.
Are you prepared, after your sex, when your ex starts showing the characteristics that made you break up with them? Know that you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled because you will be without a partner again after they leave.
What if they never call you back and you’re embarrassed to realize that you were just their prey for the evening? Speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for when your ex tells you he’s moved on with his next partner?
If you’re okay with all of that, have lots of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower or slap on a chastity belt when you feel your resolve slipping away. Do whatever it takes to stop them from calling.
One great thing that comes from having sex with an ex is a valuable lesson. Satisfying the urge to sacrifice self-worth is never worth it—yes, even if the sex is amazing.
Samantha Jones, the infamous “Sex and the City” character, put it best: “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If he’s good, you’re not getting him, if he’s bad, you had sex with your ex.”
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