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Hitting Children – Physical Assault Or Discipline?
Discipline versus spanking. First, we need to understand what we mean by the word “discipline.” The root of the word is “disciple”, which means “student”. Therefore, discipline means teaching and/or training a student. Most spanking happens when children are around 2 years old. We have to ask, what are we trying to teach two-year-olds? Ultimately, we want our children to be disciplined, which means self-control, an understanding of what is appropriate behavior, and a desire to do good. There is huge debate about a nationwide ban on corporal punishment. Europe has banned corporal punishment, and studies on the effects of corporal punishment in later years have mixed results.
Regardless of the studies and debates, I think there are a few things we need to be aware of in our interactions with our children.
First, we MUST behave as we want them to behave. We should be good role models. When we are frustrated with our friends, our spouses, our colleagues, we beat them until they do what we want them to do. Or do we use alternatives to convince them of our point of view or desired behavior?
Second, does a child, regardless of age, clearly understand why we beat them? We often find that what we want to teach is not what our children are learning. Maybe they’re just learning that you’re bigger, stronger, and can’t fight back. They may be impressed by your physical power over others and use what you have taught them to bully others.
Third, no other relationship of any value would allow such behavior as hitting. Hitting children is the only area where physical abuse is legal.
Mutual respect is essential in any healthy relationship. As adults, we expect to rid ourselves of any physical threats in our relationships with others. We non-verbally demand respect from others in all aspects of our lives and try to behave respectfully in return. One of the most important relationships we will ever have is with our children. Disrespect has unfathomable consequences for the future. Physically hitting our children, or more, is very disrespectful and shows no concern for their well-being…we are more interested in getting our way.
It is certainly important to take action when teaching children, especially if it means potential or imminent danger/safety to them or others. That action could be to use a louder voice to get their attention quickly (this only works if you don’t yell and scream a lot at home). Many parents respond to the idea of not spanking children by saying, “So you’re saying we should let our children do whatever they want?”. I see this answer as coming from parents who have been taught to believe that the only way to teach children is through physical means. There seems to be a real lack of creativity among adults when it comes to solving discipline problems. They often scoff at suggestions such as using a “timeout”. “Time Out” works if it is not the only consequence used. Rather, parents need to have many more options available, including creativity. An excellent resource is an organized parenting class. Not only do parents learn more ways to deal with behavior problems, they also benefit from being able to discuss their parenting frustrations and ideas they’ve developed together. Check your yellow pages under Psychotherapist, Social Service Agencies.
Quick Tip: Take a deep breath, go splash water on your face! This won’t solve your problem, but it’s a good step towards gaining control over yourself before you try to gain control over your children.
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