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Three Keys to a Joyful Life
A friend asked me, based on my experience as a psychologist seeing how people develop personally and interpersonally, what I think are the three most positive transformative lessons to help people enjoy life. Wow, narrow it down to three! Here are some concepts that I can say for sure change people for the better if they actually get them on an emotional level (not just going through the motions, although “fake it till you make it” helps in the meantime). The first 2 are for you and relating to you and your life, and the last one is for relationships, which we all know play a huge role in how we feel and enjoy each day.
1. What we resist persists. We cannot control our feelings. We can only choose to avoid them. Some people call this “lifting above” them, but usually with a bit of nibbling the sensation is just below the surface draining their energy. The only way I’ve seen to effectively ease painful emotions is to embrace them and push through them. The more space you can make to fully feel something, in fact, the more you can transform and release the feeling. This idea is counterintuitive to many of my clients, especially when society tells us to be strong and many parents tell their children to “get over” their feelings or grow up. Suppressing, or saying “no” to an experience that comes to you is, in my opinion, asking for more of that feeling for a longer period of time and sometimes even leads to physical illness.
Many of us keep our sail high until we get thrown into rough water and then we decide we don’t like it so we lower our sails. That is the worst time to decide that you want to resist what life has brought because a boat without a sail up is going nowhere and is therefore stuck in the water. Raise the sail again and you can go a little further, but you’ll turn around and return to peace faster. So say yes to your feelings and let them be as big as they really are. That doesn’t mean acting them out (if you feel like yelling at a friend, don’t act on it, but embrace and nurture the experience of WANTING to yell instead of resisting or ignoring it).
2. Love yourself. This one is painfully obvious, but so difficult for most people. One of my happiest days as a parent was a few months ago when my 2-year-old daughter said, “Mommy…I love you. I love you and I love myself.” I had such a positive reaction to her saying she loved herself that she has said it at least 10 times since then with a big smile on her face. She knows I like to hear that. Why? Loving yourself is not only the key to your own happiness, but also to your beautiful dealings with others and also tolerance towards them. Loving yourself will not make you arrogant; instead, it takes away the need to be better than others because you have confidence that you are intrinsically valuable and always loved.
Many wonder how to learn to love themselves, and it is true that it is not easy. A good therapist, friend, or lover who constantly reflects your beauty is a great way to start. If you have such a person, focus very much on receiving from them as deeply as you can; really notice how they see you and let it sink into your core, into your cells, into your entire heart. You will find places that resist, reject love, and feel very uncomfortable or confused. Just go ahead and let those places give up. don’t stop The wounds and parts of you that hold negative beliefs about yourself will have to die in order to accept love and restructure around it, so learning through this deep reception requires actively tolerating discomfort and trying to open up more than you think possible.
It is also possible to teach yourself without the help of another person. If you have ever loved someone or anything, get in touch with that caring feeling and then direct it back to yourself. It can be helpful to see yourself as a small child, so that your inherent innocence and sweetness is even more apparent. Even in the child version of yourself, you can see the deep need for love and dependence on others without being ashamed of it. We are, of course, naturally dependent creatures. People are often ashamed to cover it up, but people need people. Once you love yourself, you’ll find the right people to depend on—people you don’t feel guilty about needing and can trust to be there. Ideally, we have “diffuse dependency,” where we spread our dependency needs among many loved ones so that no one person feels full responsibility for meeting our needs. Practice visualizing yourself at the age that inspires the most compassion and try to transmit that love directly to that person’s heart, which is your own heart.
These first two concepts combine to create healing. When you don’t resist your experiences or feelings, but embrace them, loving yourself is easier. Bring your feelings into contact with love and you will find healing. Even anger or sadism is a feeling you can say to yourself, “Awwwwww….darling,” because it was born of pain and will be alleviated with acceptance and compassion.
3. Only one person is crazy at a time. In relationships, especially romantic ones, it’s important that only one person goes “crazy” at a time. I learned this from Dr. Jev Sikes. I like this term because I think it’s true: when we have strong feelings brought on by our childhood problems, we are not rational or technically sane no matter how much we pretend to be and we believe what our problems tell us. Even those with the healthiest backgrounds have crazy areas. You may fear abandonment, for example. If this problem is triggered, you will feel as if your partner has left you no matter what the truth is. Unfortunately, your belief that you will be abandoned can lead you to act in a way that will cause just that. So, in this example, you would act in such a way that would push your partner away or make him/her want to leave (perhaps because of your anger, attachment, irrational/unfair assessments of him/her, etc.).
However, it helps if each partner in a romantic relationship understands the other’s problems and therefore can’t take them so seriously. Instead, give love and compassion to the people you care about when they’re triggered, and don’t try to reason with someone who’s crazy at the time. Crazy questions are meant to draw the other person in and make them act in the expected way (leave yourself, in the example we’ve been using). So it takes a lot of willpower to give love and not react with your own corresponding crazy problem (feeling undervalued or never good enough can be triggered by someone’s abandonment issues, for example). The key is that one person’s crazy feelings and behavior don’t trigger the other person’s (which they will naturally do without active resistance).
Only one person can act as crazy at a time and the other should stay in a caretaker role rather than being directed to an argument or corresponding crazy place. If couples learn to avoid this dynamic of going crazy together, they will avoid many fights and be able to heal each other’s problems by giving love at key moments instead of reacting in ways that reinforce your partner’s fears. Also remember that you can be “right or in a relationship.” Choose to focus on feelings and take care of each other’s feelings instead of fighting over logistics (who is right/the facts, etc.) that often don’t matter or should be discussed in a less emotional time.
Good luck! We talk a lot more about the healing process from different perspectives on our website http://www.deepeddypsychotherapy.com. I also wrote a book, listed there, about healing relationships. I wish everyone the love for themselves that grows every day and the ability to surrender to this beautiful journey of life, including its pains. As you grow in self-love, I hope you find greater tolerance for the tender (or crazy!) areas of your loved ones where they have been hurt in the past, and that you can also give them the love they need to heal.
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