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Why Women Have Babies and Men Leave

It is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. You are expecting your first baby and you are looking forward to sharing this moment with the love of your life: your husband. But suddenly he doesn’t want to talk to you, stays out late, or is angry or irritated with you all the time. With his hormones raging, he swings between tears and rage, which only makes things worse. Suddenly you find yourself alone with your baby and your husband gone, sometimes forever.

If women and men were aware that pregnancy can bring not only joyful emotions, but also difficult relationship dynamics and challenging emotions, then they could work during pregnancy to maintain the bonds of marriage, while adjusting to the arrival of a third person to the world relationship Because that’s really what happens, the wife falls in love with someone else and the husband feels rejected and neglected, so he looks for comfort and validation elsewhere. If you’re lucky, they simply throw themselves into work and into the role of provider, if you’re unlucky, they seek companionship, friendship, and sexual relief with someone else, and unhappiness at home can make them feel like leaving is their only option.

My research suggests that this problematic dynamic is more likely to occur in a long-term relationship – for example, living together or being married for more than 5 years before the baby is born – and the reality is that it only happens in the last year or two last ones generations that couples wait so long after marriage to have children. Before the 1960s and 1970s it was a given that if you got married, a baby would follow within a year or two. Also, the dynamics of the husband-wife relationship were quite different from what they are today. The husband went to work, the wife stayed at home, he had his life and she had hers, and they walked together. The partnership of the 21st century is a much deeper and more intense relationship; where the other loved one is seen as a companion, friend and soulmate; rather than just a life partner.

“I had no idea anything was wrong until I stopped working at 36 weeks. My husband hated his job and always looked down on his co-workers, but suddenly he would go out after work, stay with them all night and then crawled home. drunk. This had never happened in 6 years of marriage. With my hormones raging, and my underlying fears of abandonment unleashed, I went nuts. The next weekend, the same thing happened and I was desperate. A friend who was psychologist said that once the baby was born things would go back to normal, but no. I tried to talk to him, and then waited for him to talk to me, but neither approach worked. We tried marriage counseling, but he lied to me. about his one-on-one session with therapist and we never went back. I read somewhere that after 10 months babies were more attached to their caregivers and a separation would be more painful for them after this time, so six months later when I was of course I wasn’t going to talk about what was wrong, or make any effort to fix our marriage, I told him I wanted a divorce. Lucy, Birmingham

The experience of pregnancy is very different for men and women. For women it is a very intimate experience, completely internal and all-consuming. For men, while they may be excited about having a baby, there is also a fear of this new responsibility, after all, babies are quite expensive, especially if the mother wants to stay at home for a while after the birth. Becoming a parent can also bring up unexpected emotions and fears, especially if your own relationship with your mom or dad isn’t great. “What if I’m a lousy parent like my dad was?” And what is never talked about is this topic of your beloved, your soul mate, the person who is always there for you and who only supports and loves you; well, they are no longer there for you, and even worse, their love and attention is focused on someone else. Suddenly, the woman is consumed with love for this baby, and you, the Beloved, come second, or barely notice.

Is it really a surprise why emotions like rejection, abandonment and jealousy should arise in some men at this point in their marriage? Friends or family who say, “Well, you shouldn’t feel that way,” isn’t helpful. You can’t help how you “feel” about a situation. However, perhaps knowing that this can happen and that it affects some couples more than others is the first step to solving these problems. Any man is going to feel confused and conflicted if he starts feeling jealous of his own baby. This is supposed to be a wonderful happy time, so why does it feel this way? If he gets angry every time he comes home and doesn’t know why or when the baby cries and feels frustrated and miserable, the man may feel that he no longer loves his wife and that having a baby was terrible. mistake In this confusing and conflicting situation, leaving may seem like the only way out.

When you look at it from this perspective, you can see why some men throw themselves.

When I was pregnant, my husband started staying out playing table tennis and drinking with his partners. I suspected he was having an affair and things became very difficult between us. After our son was born, I lost trust in my husband and we separated and started divorce proceedings. I got pregnant unexpectedly during our separation, and my husband came back and promised me he wouldn’t do it again with this baby, even though he acted the same. It was like he couldn’t help it. We’re still married now and rebuilding things, but it was a terrible time. Tony, Kent

It is possible for you to stay in your marriage and work out your feelings and repair your marriage and in the long run it is much better than leaving. The pain and suffering that separation causes the wife and child, and the long-term repercussions of a divorce, including seeing another man raise their children or losing contact with them all together, can be avoided by being aware that these problems exist. Sweeping this information under the rug for fear of “upsetting people” doesn’t help anyone.

If your problems have become serious or if you have some kind of trauma from your own childhood, some type of marriage counseling or relationship counseling may be inevitable. However, being proactive in supporting and maintaining your relationship, with the support of friends or family, can be enough to get you through this difficult period. The first 3 months are probably the worst time, as the lack of sleep and the constant demands of a newborn would challenge the patience of a saint. After this time, it is important to talk together and try to find common ground to share this wonderful experience of being a parent and overcome difficulties between you and your spouse in the same way you would deal with any problem in all other areas of your life. Talk about how you’re coping and suggest solutions to improve the connection and intimacy between both parents, and most importantly, don’t deny, dismiss, or belittle your partner’s feelings. If someone is honest enough to admit that they feel rejected, be grateful that they trust you enough to share this with them.

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