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My Eulogy for the Life of Our Baby Son, Nathanael Marcus

How do we say goodbye when we never get to say hello? But that is our task today: to say goodbye.

This past week we have been practicing capturing a lifetime of memories. It took us seven days to pack 25,000. The 179 hours since Natanael arrived – lifeless – changed our lives forever; probably in some ways that many of you will never know. We sympathize with many of you who have endured what we are currently experiencing: the death of your own child.

Memorizing a schedule is hard work. We had to be creative. I just wish I could somehow record how he smells, the texture of his skin, his weight as I hold him, his cute little features.

On Monday I lay on the floor of the hospital room and fell asleep with Natanael cradled in my arms. I’ve kissed his face hundreds of times, but that will be a far cry from how many of my other children’s faces I’ve kissed. Although there were endless interruptions by midwives doing obs, giving meds, changing drops, etc., between the doctors and countless health professionals visiting us, we still had plenty of opportunities to bond with our son as best we could. But then, as death reminds us, there is never enough time. There is never enough time.

A week is too fast, but it is much longer than my mother and father had when my little sister, Debra Leanne, was stillborn on September 21, 1973. Sarah and I honor you for the circumstances of your loss 41 years ago and because of the pain you have carried with you all these years. It is sacred. Things have come a long, long way since then, but this week we learned that there is still a long way to go to get parents the respect their children deserve, especially in the case of a baby known to have special needs and an extremely poor prognosis. for life

Time has passed and we have what we have: the knowledge that we did not waste time. As I looked at his face, his cleft lip, his buttoned nose and his closed eyes and his peaceful face, my eyes welled up with tears. I would pray I would watch Sarah melt into tears and moan as only a mother could understand and comprehend. Sarah’s strength through it all was something I marveled at. I don’t think I know a stronger person than her.

Nathanael’s spirit went to inhabit Jesus and now we bid farewell to his tent.

All we’ll have to show you are a few photos, some memorabilia, and some clothes. It feels like we’ve known him longer than the 30 weeks we’ve known him. For most of that time—eighteen of those weeks—we were sitting on a ticking time bomb. And many of you have faithfully accompanied us on our way. We thank you.

Nathanael Marcus is our brilliant gift from God. He shines in the sky as we speak. Sit at the feet of Jesus. It is in the hands of the Father. His protection is divine. Its purpose is the glory of God.

Still, we miss him!

© 2014 SJ Wickham.

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