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Morgan Pressel Cinderellas From John Kennedy Into Tiger Woods
As Yogi Berra said, “It’s not over until it’s over.” Right now it looks like earthlings are about to follow the extinction of the dinosaurs into nuclear WW3 and its aftermath into nuclear winter and then ultraviolet summer. However, it’s not over until it’s over. Just ask Morgan Pressel.
Morgan Pressel, the 18-year-old blonde pixie, was on the 18th green yesterday at the first major women’s golf tournament of the year, the Dinah Shore Kraft Nabisco, at 2 under par. At the time, Norwegian golfer Suzann Pettersen was on the 15th hole with a four-shot lead over Morgan Pressel with four holes to go. It was at this point that Morgan Pressel’s late mother, Kathy Krickstein, took golden pixie dust out of her bag and sprinkled it all over Mission Hills Golf Course in Rancho Mirage, California.
Morgan Pressel said, “My mom is always with me and I know she’s proud of me.” Two years ago, Morgan’s mother, 42, lost her battle with breast cancer and Morgan is being raised by her pathologist father Herb Krickstein and daughter Evelyn Krickstein, who held Morgan’s hand as they made the jump of celebration at the lake on the 18th after Morgan became the youngest. great women’s golf champion. They asked, “How was the pond jump?” Morgan said: “Wet and cold but I’d like to do it again.”
For those people who don’t believe in curses, read about the Kennedy family and the Anna Nicole Smith family. The only way Dannielynn Smith could top Caroline Kennedy now would be if she choked on a piece of gefilte fish at the Passover Seder tonight like John Kennedy’s sister did.
Two years ago, 16-year-old Morgan Pressel was in the middle of the 18th fairway at the US Open tied with Birdie Kim for the lead. Birdie was 10 miles from the hole from the right greenside bunker when Birdie blew Morgan Pressel’s brains out with a magic bullet bunker shot to the bottom of the cup taking the win away from Morgan who looked like he had it in the bag. The funny thing is how often this happens in golf. Greg Norman was shot in the head in the Masters playoff when Larry Mize made an impossible tee shot, at the PGA when Paul Azinger made an impossible bunker shot on the 18th, and in Hawaii when Robert Gamez rubbed salt into the holes of Greg’s mounted bullet head by chipping in 18 from 175 yards.
Equally surprising in golf is how often players collapse down the stretch. This coming Sunday, April 8, 2007, is the Sunday of the Easter Master. They say the Masters doesn’t start until past nine on Sunday. Golf’s Messiah Tiger Woods says his Buddhist faith has helped him forget himself on the stretch and Zen in the area. Tiger Woods is known for keeping his composure while those around him crack under indescribable pressure. Johnny Miller always talks about how back in the day Lee Trevino or Arnold Palmer or Tom Watson would come charging as Secretariat on Sunday with a 64 and how today the average score of Tiger Woods’ playing partner in the final group is 79. Ten Tiger Woods sold the his soul to Satan? Does Buddhism recognize Satan? If not, it’s the red guy behind the ropes with the horns and the pointy tail that smells like sulfur.
The Jewish name for demons is “dybbuk”. Morgan Pressel says her Jewish faith is very important to her. Jews wear red bendels, red ribbons to ward off evil spirits. Morgan Pressel is the first major Jewish champion unless you count Cory Pavin, a born-again Christian. This week Pope Benedict XVI said that hell and demons exist. The Pope will use holy water and smoke and 217 other rituals this week to cleanse the Vatican of evil spirits, not to mention his Callaway golf hat. The most dazzling display of supernatural beings occurred at Winged Foot on the 18th when the late Davis Love Jr. covered the 18th green celebrating his son’s first Major PGA title with a magical rainbow.
The Zapruder film shows Satan himself firing the magic bullet from the grassy knoll at John Kennedy’s head. The question is: “Legendary collapses occur because the victor sold his soul to Satan, or because the victor was blessed by God and the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael, or because some evil person cursed the leader, or because the leader suffered any of the problems? frayed nerves or mental defect?” Yesterday at Dinah Shore Suzann Pettersen bogeyed, double bogeyed, bogeyed and then bogeyed the par 5 18th that Morgan Pressel birdied. Suzann Pettersen was the first female golfer from Oslo, Norway, which is just south of Hell Norway. Hell Norway is just east of Greenland, which melted during the Dinah Shore.
Tiger Woods won the last British Open and the PGA and is going this week for his third consecutive major championship and his second Tiger Slam. Tiger Woods has won 3 consecutive US Open. At the age of 16, Morgan Pressel won the American women’s championship. At 12, Morgan Pressel became the youngest person to qualify for the US Women’s Open. She didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s just that everyone focused on Michelle Wie because of her prodigious length off the tee. Unfortunately, Michelle can’t chip or putt and has lost Dave Pelz’s phone number.
Carnoustie Scotland is west of Oslo, Norway. In 1999, at the British Open in Carnoustie, Scotland, Jean Van de Velde reached the 18th hole needing only a double bogey to win the Claret Jug and immortality. Curtis Strange was announcing in the booth that he was tearing his hair out at Jean Van de Velde’s decisions. Jean Van de Velde was able to win the British Open by playing 18 with his 7 iron. On 18 Jean Van de Velde hit an OK drive in the rough and the smart move was to use a wedge to get in front of Barry Burn, the pond saving 18. From there he could have hurt and even three putts for 6. and victory. Instead Jean Van de Velde took his 2 iron out of the bag. If Tiger Woods had done that, his Kiwi caddy Stevie Williams would have rugby tackled Tiger Woods into the dirt, slapped him, wedged him and pointed him to the left. God helps those who help themselves. You don’t give methadone to babies in the womb. It leads to them making bad decisions later in life no matter how much money they have.
Jean Van de Velde pulls out his 2 iron on 18 to take the water from the rough. His ball flies to the right, hits the stand, luckily bounces off the rocks of the Barry Burn and ends up in the short hard of the burn. He just had to hit out of the tall grass onto the green, three-putt and walk away with the trophy. Van de Velde then proceeds to slot his tee shot into the river in front of the green. Now roll up your pants into shorts, take off your shoes and socks, and wade into the burn. So you decide to take a drop and lying down 4 can still go up and down for the win. Somehow he hit his chip shot in the trap. Miraculously, Van de Velde blasted to less than 6 feet and holed the putt for triple bogey to enter the British Open playoff.
The Scottish fans were ecstatic because the beneficiaries of this golf embolism were the American Justin Leonard and the Scottish Paul Lawrie. Paul Lawrie then won the 3-man playoff for the British Open, taking advantage of the luck of the Irish and the four-leaf clover in his bag. Yesterday, the beneficiary of Suzann Pettersen’s latest 4-hole collapse and foray into the right trees was Morgan Pressel, the little lady who was brainwashed by Birdie Kim two years earlier at the US Open. They say luck equals golf, but if that were true, Greg Norman would at least win a green jacket. Greg Norman also blew a 6-shot Sunday Masters lead over Nick Faldo. As Yogi Berra says, “It ain’t over till it’s over” and “If the world was perfect it wouldn’t be.”
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