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Get Anger Under Control
One of the biggest marital problems that most relationships face is not being able to control our anger. During the first year of our marriage, I had a lot of trouble controlling my anger. Now, to the glory of God, I can honestly say that I have my anger under control, it is no longer a problem in our marriage. I still get angry, but it’s not explosive anger that hurts my wife or the people around me. Here’s how I changed, I hope this helps you and your relationship.
First, what is anger. Anger is a natural emotion given to us by God. We must understand that there is nothing wrong with being angry, the important thing is that you do not let your anger control you in such a way that you end up hurting someone physically or emotionally. The Bible says two things about anger, first it says, “Be slow to make you angry.” Don’t say, never get angry. As it says, “When you are angry, don’t sin.” Again, it doesn’t say that you should never get angry, but you should be careful that your anger doesn’t lead you to sin or hurt someone. Anger was meant to help us deal with and stop the evil in the world. But instead people use it to commit evil in the world.
For example, you are walking down the street and you see a man mercilessly beating a baby. What will you feel You will think, ohhhh pure baby. No, you wouldn’t, if you’re a normal human being, you’ll feel angry, and hopefully that anger will lead you to help that baby. Another example, you see your child doing something bad. I mean really bad. You would think, I shouldn’t be angry, I shouldn’t be angry. Or you would do what any good parent would do and discipline your child. By discipline, I don’t mean beating him senseless. What I mean is that you should punish him in such a way that he knows that what he did was wrong and that he will not do it again. This is love, letting your child do whatever he wants, is not love. So a father’s anger to discipline his child is not a sin. It is anger with love, used to correct and guide to raise a good human being. This is a good rage.
Jesus shows us an example of this anger when he entered the temple and saw that all the merchants were using it as a market. This was God’s temple, they were supposed to be praying to God, seeking God, and helping to lead others to God. Instead, they used it as a den of thieves, which means that even their business was not done in an honest way. When Jesus saw them doing this in the temple, he didn’t say, “I shouldn’t be angry,” but he got angry and corrected their actions. Jesus did not sin, the people he corrected were sinners. This is the true purpose of anger, to correct a wrong done. Whenever you see something bad being done, you feel anger. The problem is that we use our anger in the wrong way. We use it to scare and control people. We think that if we stay in fear, they will respect us and not hurt us. We want people to think like we think, if we don’t think by shouting at them we will put them in their place.
We use it when we think people are taking advantage of us, so we think, if I don’t get angry, if I don’t yell and scream, they won’t listen to me. We think that if I don’t scream, this person will think I’m a wimp. Therefore, we have to learn how to use our anger in the right way. The steps I took to control my anger were:
Forgive – by this I mean forgive everyone and everything. I have forgiven everyone in my life and I still forgive continuously. No matter what, I forgive. If someone at work gave me an evil look, I’m sorry. If someone didn’t say hi to me today, I’m sorry. If anyone said anything against me, I forgive. What’s the big deal. When I forgive, I am at peace. If they have something against me, that’s for them. I have also forgiven everyone in my past, starting with my parents. Even if they haven’t done anything wrong to you, forgive them for not being perfect. I forgave all my past girlfriends, some of them hurt me in the past, so I often took my anger out on my wife as if she was just like everyone else. Which is not true. Forgiving them helped me see that not all women are the same.
Pray – meditate on God’s Word. The Bible says: let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but what is necessary for upbuilding and building. Meditate on it, use your words to build up and encourage, not belittle and destroy. He also says: A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. You think about it, you get angry, you yell, the other person gets angry and yells back, so you feel you have to be stronger by yelling louder, using harsher words, or worse, using physical violence. But in the end nothing was achieved and it feels terrible. Pray: It not only helps to get in touch with God, but also brings inner peace.
When you feel your anger getting triggered, get out and separate yourself from the person you feel is causing your anger. Take a long shower, if you’re at home. Go to a different room and take a breather. Even better would be a long walk or jog.
When you feel calm, learn to express yourself. Remember that holding on to anger is not healthy either. This is one of the things that makes people explode. They think I won’t get angry, I’ll hold on, but one day, boom! Everything comes out in an explosive way. Keeping it is not the solution. Express your emotions, but when you are calm. You can always use the expressions “No anger when you did this”. or “When this happened I felt angry.” Hopefully, this will keep the other person from feeling attacked and lashing out at you, which in turn will make you angry and the cycle continues. Break the cycle by expressing yourself when you feel calm.
Don’t take yourself too seriously and don’t take situations too seriously. Think of a child, he wants a candy, but you don’t want to give it to him. So he goes crazy and throws a tantrum, all over an insignificant piece of candy. To you candy is insignificant, you know he won’t die if he doesn’t get it, but to him it’s very important to get what he wants, when he wants it. Sometimes the situations are the same, for us it is the biggest deal in the world. But trust me, even if you don’t make it, life will go on. Just make sure what you do doesn’t make life worse. In the Bible, God gave wisdom to Solomon, and with this wisdom he wrote the book of Ecclesiastes. He had everything in the world you could ask for, women, wealth, property, power, he had it all. But in his last days, he writes this book and says that everything is for nothing. In the end the only thing that matters is to fear God and obey his commandments, because he will judge you for all the things you do, whether good or bad. Don’t take yourself too seriously, if you don’t pull it off, what’s the big deal. You will survive and life goes on. Find peace and follow it.
These are some of the things that have helped me control my anger. I am at peace, my wife is at peace and everyone around me feels at peace. May you also find peace and learn to control your anger.
Wishing the best for your marriage.
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